How are you doing? What did you uncover in your exploration of your triggers? What are the old stories that show up when you are having a difficult conversation that hijack your adult self?
You've now learned how to PAUSE and to identify your TRIGGERS. I just want to say, YOU ARE DOING AMAZING WORK!! Seriously, give yourself a high-five for me!
So the last step in this process is going to be the part where you actually practice changing your communication challenges with actual talking to the other person!
You may need to first take a few minutes for yourself to get grounded and turn the heat down on your emotions. When you take your pause, let the person you are communicating know what you are doing. Say something like, "I need a minute to check in with myself and get grounded. I will be back in a few minutes" (it's soooo important that you let the other person know you will be back).
When you come back it's time to practice authentically communicating what you want to say. This means sharing YOUR TRUTH. It can sound something like this, "When I heard you say X (use their exact words) what I heard was Y (describe how your wounded self translated their words). What I want right now is Z (clearly state what it is you want in the current interaction that YOUhave control over. i.e. how do you want to be showing up?). And then ask the other person what they want.
If both of you want to continue moving forward, from this new space you can begin to explore what it is that needs addressing in the present moment that started the argument in the first place. If one person does not want to move forward at this point then it's time for a break. It can be helpful to agree on a time to come back together.
Please hear this. It is unlikely that this will go as smooth and simply as this sounds in this email. Remember, this is a practice not perfection. I will say that again. Practice, not perfection. You just need to stay committed to the practice.
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